Inuyashanohime (inuyashanohime) wrote in fullmetal_crack,
Inuyashanohime
inuyashanohime
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Crossover: Shakugan no Alfons, Episode Zero

Title: Shakugan no Alfons
Pairing: Ed x Alfons
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody/crack
Timeline: Starts when Ed meets Envy in the castle, but it’s extreme divergence after that.
Note: For me, who requested this on my Alfons request thread. Not sure if I’m going to continue this…should I?
Note 2: A Shakugan no Shana parody…though you don’t really have to see the series to know what’s going on. The story pretty much explains itself. Warning for Badass swordsman!Hei and ridiculous fashion sense. XD

Crossposted to jen_fics  and fullmetal_crack

           Edward knew that Alfons had a secret, but he never knew that the mild-mannered rocket scientist had a secret like this.
           
            It was something out of drunken hallucinations—or rather, something that Edward would only consider if he was so drunk that he couldn’t even remember his own name. And even then, it was inconceivable.
 
It was insanity. It was madness…
           
…but it sure as hell wasn’t Sparta.
 
The tall, red-haired, red-eyed Alfons lookalike stood before him, black cloak hanging off him and flapping in the wind. It looked so strange…surreal. The magical flames dancing all around him, like a sort of barrier, or a mantle in and of itself…the katana in his hand sat even in his grip, and with Alfons as weak as he was, Edward had to wonder how he could carry the thing.
 
And with him smiling like that, gentle and soft…
 
It just looked wrong.
 
But that couldn’t be. That couldn’t be Alfons. His lover, Alfons Heiderich was thin, raily, unable to carry very much despite his tall stature…not to mention sickly and pale.
There was no way in hell that he could have jumped down from the top of a castle, landed on his feet, and sliced a dragon, a homunculus…a fucking dragon into many bloody pieces in the blinking of an eye.
 
There was no way that Alfons Heiderich…Alfons Heiderich could have killed the same Homunculus that had killed him in his own world with little to no effort at all.
 
That couldn’t have been him.
 
It couldn’t have.
 
…But who else but Alfons would wear his suspenders like that? They were showing, plain as day under the flaps of the cloak as it fluttered around him, and there was even the slightest trace of machine oil on his hands…
 
He blinked once.
 
Twice.
 
Three times.
 
 
He was too fucking sober for this.
 
 
                        *                      *                      *
 
 
            Alastor, the Flame of Heaven, had always wondered why Alfons took as many risks as he did. Giving himself public exposure, making friends (even though he’d have to leave them behind eventually anyway), even allowing himself to get attached to all the places that he spent time living in. He had moved towns, even countries more times than what a normal man his age would ever experience, and Alfons couldn’t afford to stay in one place for long.
 
            But this place…Munich. He had spent well over a year and a half here, after a stint in Transylvania where he studied rocket science (under a man named Oberth, if Alastor remembered correctly) as a temporary cover. Then he migrated to Germany, his homeland, and hadn’t left since.
 
            Usually the man spent two to three months in the same place at the very most.
 
            He was young, yes, but Alfons was no stranger to the duty he had to fulfill, which was given to him the moment he made his Contract.
 
            Perhaps it had something to do with his strange roommate (and later lover), Edward. Ever since that man came into the picture, increased amounts of activity took place near him…almost on an obscene level. He was sure that with the amount of times Alfons had to ‘call off sick’, people seriously were wondering about his physical state (or his integrity) by now.
 
            …….
 
            The world’s balance, the flow of Existence itself—that was something that had to stay in check at all costs. Guze no Tomogara, creatures of the other side, the world of Guze, ate the ‘power of existence’ that was given off by all things…plant, animal, object…memory. With this eaten the balance would tip, sending everything into turmoil…
 
            As a Flame Haze, it was Alfons’s duty to help keep this balance undisturbed, hunting and killing every Tomogara that posed a threat to the world’s flow.
 
            …Unfortunately, this also led Alfons to live a very solitary existence.
 
            But the appearance of this ‘Edward’ posed a direct concern…and not just because of his peculiar traits, either. Alfons, needless to say, had grown…’attached’ to him. More so than what was necessary or even acceptable to one of his position.
           
            …And seeing how it was now, Edward staring at the young man in disbelief as his mobility and coherence stayed with him within the Fuzetsu, there was even more reason to be concerned about this.
 
                                    *                      *                      *
 
            Edward was still staring at him. Well, that was no surprise, really. He had cut down a huge dragon, after all, its bloody remains lying all around them within the Fuzetsu’s walls.
 
            But Edward could still move.
 
            He had been moving even when the dragon started moving, and by then Alfons had put the shield up, separating that area from the mortal realm and instead moving it to a dummy dimension where no damage would be done to the outside world during the course of the encounter. No normal human could move within the Fuzetsu once it was put up—that was common knowledge.
 
            But Edward was human. He wasn’t a Torch or Mistes—he would have known that long ago, and Edward would have already vanished by now. And he wasn’t a Tomogara or a Rinne either. He surely would have noticed that, too—
 
            …So how?
 
            “…Alfons…?”
 
            Alfons wasn’t looking forward to explaining this. He really wasn’t looking forward to explaining this. Edward was inquisitive, scathing, and highly scientific, and seeing something like this probably took his life and flipped it around, poor guy. In fact, Alfons was 100% certain that he would pass it off as some sort of crazy dream once he had a good night’s sleep and normalcy kicked in.
 
            Hopefully that was what would happen, anyway.
 
            He could seriously hope.
 
            But he kept his cool.
 
            “I’m sorry…I should have told you sooner, Edward…”
 
            “W-what…”
 
            Poor Edward. He looked so lost.
 
            “Wh-what is this…why are you…” Edward trailed off. His gold eyes, which were usually so bright, were dulled in the red haze of the Fuzetsu’s own ‘atmosphere’, so to speak…dazed, confused…so many things all at once and yet at the same time he was completely unreadable…
 
            Here it comes.
 
            Alfons sighed, putting his sword away inside his cloak (shit, shit, I should have remembered that he would notice it disappearing!) and, stepping forward, gave Edward the most reassuring smile he could.
 
            Maybe the smile would ease things a bit.
 
            “It’s a long story…I’m not sure if you’ll be coherent enough to take it.”
 
            …somehow he’d expected Edward to yell at him, instead of nod dumbly like that.
 
            Maybe this would be easier than he thought it was going to be.
 
            “Tomorrow.” Alfons whispered. “I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.”
 
            Edward wouldn’t remember, or would just pass it off as a dream anyway.
 
            Alastor glowed around his neck, the Guze King’s pendant home seeming to burn with the fire that was housed within it.
 
            “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Alfons?
 
            Alfons smiled.
 
            “It’s all right, Alastor. Trust me.”
 
            Edward wouldn’t believe any of this happened.
 
            “I have this under control.”
 
            The gold-haired youth only stared at him—even as he repaired the damage that the dragon had done using a few almost-spent torches in the area, and undid the Fuzetsu…he only stared.
 
            Oh yes.
 
            Edward wasn’t going to remember a thing.
 
            …hopefully.
 
           
                        *                      *                      *
 
            Infinite time stopped beating its heart, and humans burnt away silently…nobody noticed as the world’s balance tipped, and became engulfed in the flames of Guze…
Tags: crossover
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