Inuyashanohime (inuyashanohime) wrote in fullmetal_crack,

Fic: Ed x Alfons: Relationship Counseling

Crossposted to blau_und_gold, and own journal.

Title: Relationship Counseling
Pairing: Ed x Alfons, Roy x Al (if you squint), implied past alcohol-induced Ed x Hei x Al
Rating: R to be safe
Genre: Humor, crack.
Notes: This was written for deathspie, as it was inspired by a conversation he and I had on MSN.
Warnings: Naked Twister. Really. Naked Twister.
Summary: His brother had asked him to help him with some ‘relationship issues’…but if he didn’t know better…what he had wanted him to help convince Alfons to do…sounded nothing more than a sort of strange new kink of Edward’s. Well…it was about high time big brother got a taste of his own medicine. 


            “You know Al…this feels awkward.”
            Alphonse sighed, running a quick hand through his short hair. He had to start whining NOW, when it was really his idea. Actually, it was so much his idea that he had decided to jump into it right away, conning poor Alfons into stripping down and getting on the mat, getting in these strange positions and bending in ways that Alphonse hadn’t thought was humanly possible, and it took him almost all of his strength to keep Roy from SEEING this, for if he did he would have to go through with this too.
            Relationship counseling. Right.
            Was this why his brother had him come in here, thinking that this was really a serious matter of life or death, actually listen to him go through with this idea verbally, and then watch as his brother…his own brother, for Chrissakes…strip down, get hard at the sight of his lover naked (he was Al’s too, at one point…in fact, there was a time that having all three of them naked in a room resulted in a huge threesome dogpile, but really…that was all in the past and the only times it actually happened involved copious amounts of alcohol…and bruised prides in the morning because the ones that HATED to bottom…meaning Ed…ended up BOTTOMING and it was just more trouble than it was worth), and practically drool over the man as he went through the motions.
            Looking at it now…Alphonse had to have been given Tequila for him to want to get involved sexually with these two. Alfons was too shy and his brother was just…his brother was like an animal, completely insatiable and according to Alfons, shunned foreplay like it was some sort of sin
            “Brother…you’re saying this now, but wasn’t it you who wanted to do this? Saying that it would salvage your and Alfons’s relationship?”
            “Yeah, but I didn’t know that I would have to do it, too!”
            “For your relationship to be secured, you must join yourselves together in it, making it a partner activity. Alone, it just seems…” Alphonse’s voice dipped, “Like some sort of sick kink.”
            “It’s not a kink…really, Al!”
            “Good. Because you and your lover are going to do this. You conned him into it…well…you’re going to do it right here with him.”
            “Then what are you going to do, Al?”
            Alphonse grinned, crossing his arms.
            “I’m going to lead you.” He spun the spinner, transmuted from a few simple household objects, setting it down on the floor when it turned to a complete stop.
            “Oh, look at that…”
            “What, Al? What?” Ed’s voice was high-pitched…almost panicky.
“It says… ‘Ass…crotch.’”
“It means you’re going to have to put your ass on Alfons’s crotch. Come on now.”

“But Alphonse!” Alfons was in an odd position of his own though—legs crossed along each other but his arms were spread, holding himself up as he arched off the mat. “I...that might make me fall.”
“Well, Alfons…if you fall then you’ll have to start from a standing position, while Brother still has to maintain his old position. No big deal.”
“Is this a con for me to get fucked, Al?!”
This only caused Alphonse to grin even wider, eyes glittering.
“What, Brother? You were the one who wanted to play naked Twister. Well…now you’re going to play it.”
The indignant growls that came out of Ed’s mouth could probably be heard all the way in Xing.
Tags: general crack, yaoi

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